Dependence - La dependencia

It's been a while. In my defense, we've been busy. I've also been lazy. And jealous with my free time. But there are a few thoughts that have been kicking around in my head for some time and I'm thinking it's about time I got some of that out.

It's about dependence. The word makes me think of adult diapers, of development theories, of paying for a kid for eighteen years.... In my mind, those aren't particularly positive images, and yet I'm pretty sure that God is calling me to greater dependence. On Him, on the body, on everyone but myself.
Time for some more confessions: I'm kind of a control freak. I like to be able to take care of my own things. I like things done a certain way. I like what I like.
Dependence is pretty much the opposite of that. Dependence means I have to talk to a team before I act on something. It means that I have to let things happen the way they happen. It means I have to let go and go along for the ride. It means trusting.
The Bible talks a lot about depending on God, about reliance on Him, about trusting. I've mentioned before that I'm bad at faith, and that makes dependence equally difficult. Dependence, I'm pretty sure, is an extension of faith.
So here I am, learning how to depend when I've spent so long learning to be independent (Doesn't that sound nice? Like Fourth of July picnics and the freedom of long drives on the highway?). And here's the other thing: God doesn't want that pretty word for me; it was never His intention. No, He wants adult diapers, development theories, and the economic burden of a child. This is where I need to be. Dependent.
Dependent on His wisdom, His perfect timing, His provision. Dependent on the body of believers (that's almost more terrifying). Dependent on a team and a church and the mercy of strangers. And it's hard; I won't even try to pretend that it's not.
But there are all these reminders:

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise—
in God I trust and am not afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?
--Psalm 56:3-4

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
--Psalm 13:5

Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.
--Psalm 20:7

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
--Proverbs 3:5-6

So this is what I'm trying to remember, what I'm trying to lean on, so that I will learn to let go and depend.


Ha pasado mucho tiempo desde la última vez que escribí aquí. Hemos estado ocupados. También he estado medio vaga. Y celosa con mi tiempo libre. Pero he estado pensando en unas cosas por unas semanas y creo que es tiempo de escribirlas.
Se trata de la dependencia. La palabra me hace pensar en pañales para adultos, en teorías de desarrollo, en criar un hijo.... Para mí, estas no son imágenes positivas, y aún así, estoy segura que Dios me está llamando a mayor dependencia. Depender de Él, del cuerpo de Cristo, de todos menos de mí misma.
Otra confesión: Me gusta estar en control. Me gusta el poder valerme por mí misma. Me gusta que las cosas se hagan de cierta forma. Me gusta lo que me gusta.
La dependencia es básicamente lo contrario a eso. Dependencia quiere decir que tengo que hablar con el equipo antes de tomar una decisión. Quiere decir que tengo que dejar que las cosas pasen como pasen. Quiere decir que tengo que soltar las riendas y dejarme llevar. Quiere decir confiar.
La Biblia habla mucho de depender de Dios, de confiar en Él. He mencionado que tengo poca fe, y eso hace que la dependencia sea igual de difícil. Estoy casi segura que la dependencia es una extensión de la fe.
Y ahora aquí estoy yo, aprendiendo a depender después de pasar tantos años aprendiendo a vivir independientemente (Qué palabra linda, ¿no? Me suena a celebraciones para el cuatro de julio y manejar en la autopista). También hay esto: Dios no quiere esa palabra linda para mí; esa nunca fue su intención. No. Él quiere pañales da adultos, teorías de desarrollo y la carga económica de un niño. Así es que tengo que estar. Dependiente.
Dependiendo de su sabiduría, su tiempo perfecto, su provisión. Dependiendo del cuerpo de creyentes (eso me asusta aún más). Dependiente de un equipo y de una iglesia y de la misericordia de personas desconocidas. Y eso es difícil, no se los voy a negar.
Pero Dios me recuerda:

En el día que temo,
Yo en ti confío.
En Dios alabaré su palabra;
En Dios he confiado; no temeré;
¿Qué puede hacerme el hombre?
--Salmo 56:3-4

Mas yo en tu misericordia he confiado;
Mi corazón se alegrará en tu salvación.
--Salmo 13:5

Estos confían en carros, y aquéllos en caballos;
Mas nosotros del nombre de Jehová nuestro Dios tendremos memoria.
--Salmo 20:7

Fíate de Jehová de todo tu corazón,
Y no te apoyes en tu propia prudencia.
Reconócelo en todos tus caminos,
Y él enderezará tus veredas.
--Proverbios 3:5-6

Y esto es lo que tengo que recordar, en esto tengo que confiar, para que pueda aprender a soltar las riendas y simplemente depender.

Missing

I'm writing this at the risk of getting comments saying that I should be more grateful, that I should pray more, that this is what I should've expected, but I feel the need to struggle through this, and the best way for me to do that is through writing. So, before I begin, let me just say that I'm not looking for pity, that I'm not being ungrateful, that I realize that the work we're doing is work we were called to do. There's no doubt that this is where I'm supposed to be, but that doesn't mean it's easy.

Today I'm missing some aspects of my old life. Those of you who know me know that I'm what people would define as "girly" - a word I don't really like. That means I like skirts and heels and dislike playing competitive sports and hiking. I don't like the feeling of isolation I get when I'm living in the country. I know a lot of people like it - the peace and quiet of it, the easy stillness - but I am not one of those people. I like the movement and noise of the city, the sprawl of the suburbs. I like to know that I am never far from a crowd, from the convenience of a late night visit to Target. The fact that I'm here, in the rural mountains of Costa Rica, is a testament to the strength of God's call. I would never have chosen this for myself.

And like I said, that's not always easy. Maybe it's because I've been sick since last Saturday, maybe it's because we were just with a large group of people who are now gone, maybe it's because we don't have Internet or an office and I feel more disconnected than I'd like, but this week has been rough for me personally.

This week I'm missing.

• Hot showers.
• Hot water in the sink.
• Heat, in general.
• Cell signal in my town.
• Easy communication - mail service, telephone, tv, Internet, a radio signal....
• Watching tv shows on Hulu in bed.
• Talking to my besties and my family.
• Spontaneity.
• Automatic transmissions.
• A car with doors I can open without having to put all my weight into them.
• Diversity in food.
• Delivery pizza - shoot, I'd settle for frozen.
• 8-9 hour work days.
• A weekend that's a weekend. 
• Date nights with Ben.
• Choices.
• A pay check.

And because I hate to be the girl who can only talk about the things that are not easy, I will say that I do, generally, like it here.  I like that even though it's pretty cold today, at least it's not snow inducing cold.  I love that I look out my windows to see the view of a volcano.  

I like the work we're doing.  I like the people I work with.  I love teaching, and I especially love that I still enjoy it after feeling so jaded and burnt out on teaching in the States.  

I love that God is teaching me that I have never actually been able to provide money and food for myself, and that He's still doing a great job of providing all I could ever need.  I love that He's opened the doors so that we can have a place to live (free in exchange for repairs of earthquake damage).  I love that He's showing me to depend on Him and His people in ways I've never had to before.  I love that He's teaching me so much.  The learning may not be easy, but it's worthwhile.  The work is worthwhile.  The long days and long weeks are worthwhile.  

I believe that with everything in me, and I believe that God is in the midst of this missing, but even so, today I am missing.