Missing

I'm writing this at the risk of getting comments saying that I should be more grateful, that I should pray more, that this is what I should've expected, but I feel the need to struggle through this, and the best way for me to do that is through writing. So, before I begin, let me just say that I'm not looking for pity, that I'm not being ungrateful, that I realize that the work we're doing is work we were called to do. There's no doubt that this is where I'm supposed to be, but that doesn't mean it's easy.

Today I'm missing some aspects of my old life. Those of you who know me know that I'm what people would define as "girly" - a word I don't really like. That means I like skirts and heels and dislike playing competitive sports and hiking. I don't like the feeling of isolation I get when I'm living in the country. I know a lot of people like it - the peace and quiet of it, the easy stillness - but I am not one of those people. I like the movement and noise of the city, the sprawl of the suburbs. I like to know that I am never far from a crowd, from the convenience of a late night visit to Target. The fact that I'm here, in the rural mountains of Costa Rica, is a testament to the strength of God's call. I would never have chosen this for myself.

And like I said, that's not always easy. Maybe it's because I've been sick since last Saturday, maybe it's because we were just with a large group of people who are now gone, maybe it's because we don't have Internet or an office and I feel more disconnected than I'd like, but this week has been rough for me personally.

This week I'm missing.

• Hot showers.
• Hot water in the sink.
• Heat, in general.
• Cell signal in my town.
• Easy communication - mail service, telephone, tv, Internet, a radio signal....
• Watching tv shows on Hulu in bed.
• Talking to my besties and my family.
• Spontaneity.
• Automatic transmissions.
• A car with doors I can open without having to put all my weight into them.
• Diversity in food.
• Delivery pizza - shoot, I'd settle for frozen.
• 8-9 hour work days.
• A weekend that's a weekend. 
• Date nights with Ben.
• Choices.
• A pay check.

And because I hate to be the girl who can only talk about the things that are not easy, I will say that I do, generally, like it here.  I like that even though it's pretty cold today, at least it's not snow inducing cold.  I love that I look out my windows to see the view of a volcano.  

I like the work we're doing.  I like the people I work with.  I love teaching, and I especially love that I still enjoy it after feeling so jaded and burnt out on teaching in the States.  

I love that God is teaching me that I have never actually been able to provide money and food for myself, and that He's still doing a great job of providing all I could ever need.  I love that He's opened the doors so that we can have a place to live (free in exchange for repairs of earthquake damage).  I love that He's showing me to depend on Him and His people in ways I've never had to before.  I love that He's teaching me so much.  The learning may not be easy, but it's worthwhile.  The work is worthwhile.  The long days and long weeks are worthwhile.  

I believe that with everything in me, and I believe that God is in the midst of this missing, but even so, today I am missing.